Sometimes social media hurts.

Sometimes I find it a painful, contracting place to hang out in.

Now I know that what we see on socials is not the absolute truth of anyone’s life or the totality of their existence, but I for one can be susceptible of getting swept away into comparanitist on occasions.

Does that ever happen to you?

Sometimes I have the idea that “why wouldn’t my client just work with so and so. They are amazing and look how they articulate all the words and how they make sense of it all” Ha! See I’m human too.

Then I manifested it. Lol. You’re such a funny fucker, Universe.

I had a client come to me asking my opinion on a potential group program to jump into. It was not mine. It was another sexologist.

Cue an initial sting followed by “omg, its happening. No body loves me. I’m not wanted. I’m not good enough. I should quit and give up.” Blah blah blah.

Have you ever given yourself such a tongue lashing, like this?

Now, once I got over the initial ...

Stretch marks, saggy skin and cellulite

do not hinder your ability to live orgasmically.

However....

Your well-run thoughts (and feelings) about them, absolutely will.

It’s not enough to say an affirmation in the mirror once a week. After you’ve applied your make-up and covered your grays, how grateful you are for your body or when that self help and healing post pops up to remind you to ‘love yourself’.

When your truth is, you feel self conscious AF, dread the experience of being caught naked by your partner, because fuck, if you have issues with what you see in the mirror, what’s your partner seeing with their 360 degree view. 

You also struggle hard with letting go on the sex and intimacy front because you habitually hide not just your body, but your heart and vulnerability. So forget wild, unbridled hot and sweaty, no fucks given, passionate lovemaking because your self-esteem and body confidence levels clearly shows you give several, hundred fucks indeed.

Obligatory Sex- We’ve all complained about it.

She’s forgotten the last time they did it so she ‘throws’ him one, or it’s this uncomfortable silent assumption that it’s her job as his partner to fulfill his ‘needs’.

She doesn’t have an inkling of desire for it. Obligatory sex has the hall mark of a woman burnt out, with just another chore she has to do, albeit with a pinch of ‘pissed offness’ because not even sex is sacred or a place to replenish from anymore.

It’s the type of sex that is devoid of intimacy, vulnerability, and authentic pleasure. It’s the type that a woman can feel like she is being masturbated into. It’s the type where there is zero foreplay. And it’s the type that she’s hoping he will be done soon. It can be performative with faked pleasure and is guaranteed to slowly deteriorate the intimacy and connection between them. There becomes resentment, of being used, leading to an undercurrent of inner rage.

It's penetrative sex where the body is not warmed up. This me...

5 really important things I learnt about pleasure, embodiment and of course sex, whilst being a full time Sex Worker.

1. Sex is better when the other person is into it, like really into it.

And what I’m referring to here is the authentic pleasure experience that is unbridled, uninhibited and fully expressed. Not shrouded in self judgement, Critism and body image issues that is keeping you disconnected from fully enjoying yourself and your lover.

Now this can look different on many fronts. Ie, estatic sex can be rather quiet. Fully expressed does not mean super loud and performative. It means giving yourself the permission, thus granting the other permission, to be fully IN the pleasure experience, how ever that looks.

2. The more my client was ‘up in their head’ I would notice I would get ‘up in my head’ too. and vise versa.

 If one partner is up in their head, so too is the other. It doesn’t matter which is which and who is who. When you are being sexually intimate with so...